I SHALL NOT FEAR
I thought faith would say, I’ll take away the
pain and discomfort, but what it ended up
saying was, I’ll sit with you in it.
— Brene Brown
Fear makes the gap between where I am and trusting God seem impossible.
Paralyzing fear.
Been there? I have. I’ve been SO fearful that I remember mentally and emotionally crawling into a hole.
I know fear.
I know fear as a child.
I know fear as an adult.
I know fear as a parent.
I know paralyzing fear. I’m so thankful that is only a faded memory for me. I’ve learned to trust. But it’s defnitely not always been that way.
God, I know You’re with me but why can’t I see or feel that You are?
Dealing with a child who has battled a long-term illness since he was 12 years old hasn’t always been easy as it is now that he’s an adult. I remember the long and lonely nights when he wanted to be a typical child and have sleepovers with friends, cousins or even his grandparents. It was one of the hardest things as a mom I ever went through. Letting him go, encouraging this fun loving, right and tough little boy to go have a good time and make
memories. As he was packing his bag, I could feel the fear begin to swell up into a very present hard knot in my throat making it hard to even swallow at times. I would fight back the tears as I would get in my car and drive away after dropping him off.
I am his mama; I was supposed to be there by his side in case he needed me.
On those long, lonely nights, I would awaken and find myself in a panicked state. Early in the diagnosis I’d felt the fear so strongly I would reach for the phone and call the place where he was staying just to check on him and make sure everything was okay. I couldn’t sleep until I knew. This of course would be in the wee hours of the morning. (I’m sure they all appreciated that wake up call.)
Finally, I got to the place where I would call on the Lord instead.
I found myself praying this prayer over and over, “Lord, I can’t be with him, but I know You are. Protect him, Jesus, and keep him from falling into a diabetic coma.”
I knew He heard me. I knew He had dispatched angels and placed them around my child to keep him from harm.
My trust in Him was growing stronger.
My confidence was stretching into a strong belief.
My faith was growing.
I thanked Him..
When gratitude began to flow from my heart, praise would spill out of my mouth, then it would happen. An undeniable peace ALWAYS followed, and I would drift back off to sleep.
Way too quickly this little boy grew into a handsome, strong college student. The past three years he has been five hours away from home attending a small Christian college to pursue his calling in the ministry.
Have there been moments I worried, as all mamas do when their young adult leaves home and attends college? Oh yeah!
But then, add in the fact that his diabetes is still very present and is a constant and daily battle to control the roller coaster ride of highs and lows. But I must say that
those lessons learned along the way to trust Him sure have come in handy all these miles away.
The only way I have learned to move beyond this helpless, hopeless, and miserable state I’ve found my pitiful self in from time to time through the years, is through prayer, praise, and gratitude.
When I stopped and looked around, I saw Him.
I saw that He really was there.
He was in a smile from a stranger, a kind word, or a song on the radio. I could see him. I often go on walks in the summer, and I intentionally look at my surroundings so I can see Jesus. I see him in the beautiful sunsets, the weeds in the ditch, the cattle in the pasture and the clouds in the sky. Stopping to thank him for a beautiful day, the chirping birds or the warm sun I feel on my cheeks.
Gratitude and thankfulness ALWAYS move me beyond my circumstances into a place of feeling, seeing, and realizing He has never left me nor forsaken me. He IS with me, always.
Remembering what God has done in the past for you is the secret to finding strength for today’s and tomorrow’s battles. What a beautiful gift. God does not want us to stay paralyzed in fear. He has equipped us with comfort and reassurance. Over and over throughout the Bible, He tells us NOT to fear.
Maybe you are walking through a storm right now or perhaps you see a storm on the horizon, take comfort in the fact that He will never leave you. You may not always feel Him, you may not always see Him, you may not always find the words to be thankful. As the old hymn says… Great is thy faithfulness, Lord unto me.
Have I not commanded you? Be strong
and courageous. Do not be afraid; do
not be discouraged, for the Lord your
God will be with you wherever you go.
— Joshua 1:9 NIV
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