THIS IS WHAT HE WAS PREPARING ME FOR
I’m walking through one of the hardest seasons I have ever physically walked through while somehow also walking through one of the most beautiful seasons I have ever spiritually walked through.
I know. That sounds crazy even typing it.
But it’s true.
If you read about my hidden season, then you already know that story, and I’m not going to tell it again. But I do need to take you back there for just a second because I’m starting to understand something now that I couldn’t understand then. He did more than just one work in that season of stillness with Him.
God knew what was coming. I didn’t, but He did.
And I can see now that He was filling me with things I was going to NEED for a season I had absolutely no idea was ahead of me.
Strength, courage, and trust.
Learning how to press into Him when I don’t understand.
Learning how to stand when things around me look scary.
Learning that I don’t have to know what God is doing to know that He is still GOOD.
At the same time, I watched my entire home begin to change.
For a long time, I had been the one praying and standing in the gap for my family. There were seasons I felt like I was doing double duty, triple duty, quadruple duty. Wife. Mama. Prayer warrior. Standing on the battlefield for the people I love because that’s what you DO.
But I didn’t know there was a season coming when I was going to need them standing on that battlefield for ME.
And goodness, have they.
Not long after coming out of that hidden season, someone very close to me started facing some pretty scary things.
My Mamaw.
She has given me permission to share parts of this story, and if you know me personally, you probably already know how much this woman means to me.
She helped raise me. She poured into my mama, and then, poured into me. She has been one of those core people in my life who has just BEEN THERE.
When she was diagnosed with cancer, I asked her what she needed from me.
She didn’t ask me for anything big.
Basically, just take me to my appointments and be with me through this.
I promised her I would.
At the time, I had NO idea what that promise was going to require.
Appointments turned into surgery.
Surgery turned into complications.
Complications turned into hospital stays.
And then more hospital stays.
And here we are.
There have been days lately when I feel like I have spent more time in a hospital than I have at home.
And somewhere in all of this, people started asking me:
“Are you okay?”
“How are you doing all of this?”
“You’re in school full time.”
“You have practicum.”
“You homeschool.”
“You have a husband and children.”
“You’re taking care of your grandmother.”
And I understand why they ask, but I need you to understand something too.
This is NOT a “look at everything I can handle” story.
Honey, absolutely NOT.
Because I know good and well that I cannot carry this in my own strength.
The Lord is my strength.
Period.
And I don’t mean that in the cute little Christian saying kind of way.
I mean, I have LIVED it.
I have walked into hospital rooms scared and still had peace.
I have been physically exhausted and somehow still had enough for that day.
I have had moments when I didn’t know what was going to happen next and had to decide, once again, that I was going to trust God anyway.
And somewhere along the way I realized…
THIS is one of the things He was preparing me for.
He knew I was going to walk through this season, and He knew exactly what I was going to need when I got here.
And He also knew I wasn’t going to walk through it alone.
Because while I have been standing beside my Mamaw, I have watched my family stand beside ME and HER.
I have watched my husband step up and lead our home in ways I prayed for for years.
I’ve had the honor of witnessing what it feels like for your husband to vocally pray over you and the situation your family is facing.
I’ve watched my children stand in the gap for me and one another.
I’ve watched my family carry things at home so I could be where I needed to be.
Do you understand how BIG that is for me?
There was a time when I was standing on the battlefield praying for THEM.
Now, they’re standing on it with me for her.
And then, there’s my Mamaw.
Yes, this has been HARD.
I hate what she has had to walk through.
I would take every bit of sickness and every complication away from her in a SECOND if I could.
But I also wouldn’t trade what God has allowed me to experience with her in the middle of it.
I have sat beside her in ICU.
I have been allowed to be present and stay most nights at the hospital.
I have listened to her tell me her salvation testimony while setting in her hospital room.
I’ve gotten to do Bible studies with her.
Devotions with her.
Pray with her.
Talk about Jesus with her.
Have endless slumber parties with her.
Care for her physically.
Encourage her mentally.
Pour into her spiritually.
And just BE there.
Those moments matter to me more than I know how to explain.
And today, my Mamaw is cancer free. 🙌🏼
Although we are still walking through complications from everything her body has been through, and some days are harder than others.
But when I look at this season, I refuse to only see what has been hard.
Because there has been SO MUCH beautiful here too.
I get to love someone who spent a lifetime loving me.
I get to show up for someone who showed up for me.
I get to honor her by being there when she needs me.
And THAT is not a burden to me.
That is an honor.
These are days I will never get back.
And I don’t want to be so focused on how tired I am, how much is on my plate, what I’m missing, what has changed, or how difficult this has been that I miss what God is allowing me to see right in front of me.
Maybe somebody reading this needs that too.
Don’t let the hard make you miss the beautiful.
I don’t know what your season looks like.
Maybe nothing makes sense right now.
Maybe you’re tired.
Maybe God has been working on something in you that you don’t even understand yet.
Maybe you’re wondering WHY you had to walk through one season just to find yourself standing in another one that feels even harder.
I can’t tell you why.
But I can tell you what I have learned.
God has not wasted one bit of what He has walked me through.
Not one bit.
There are things He taught me months ago that I am having to LIVE now.
There are prayers I prayed years ago that I am watching walk around my house now.
There are people I once stood in the gap for who are now standing in the gap for me so I can stand in the gap for her.
And there is strength showing up in me that I KNOW does not belong to me.
It belongs to Him.
So yes - this is one of the hardest seasons my flesh has ever walked through.
But spiritually?
Man.
It is beautiful.
I get it what you might be thinking, “How could you say that?” Because some or a lot of it by flesh it is NOT beautiful at all - but Jesus is meeting me here.
And maybe, that’s what I want to leave you with this Tuesday.
You don’t have to call the hard good to recognize that God is still good IN it or pretend you aren’t tired to know where your strength comes from. And you don’t have to understand the season to trust the One who already knew it was coming.
You also don’t have to wait until everything gets better to look around and find something beautiful.
Sometimes the beautiful is sitting right there in the middle of the hard.
So, don’t miss it. 🤍
Comments